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41 Questions Never to Ask a DIL



Awhile back I composed a PDF of 10 things MIL’s are doing that drive their DIL’s crazy. People who subscribed to my MIL site downloaded that list for tips on how to relate to their daughters-in-law.

That list covered things MIL’s do, as in behaviors, comments,  and so forth. Recently, I’ve noted that there are people who interact through asking questions. They may consider questions as  harmless, or as a sign that they are being interested and supportive.

Or – they may want to camouflage their criticism or judgment by framing it into a question. After all, they’re just asking, right?

Well, that’s downright sneaky and wrong.

You see, when relating to a DIL questions are  rude and intrusive. And when it comes to mothers-in-law vis-a-vis DIL’s you do NOT want to be intrusive or even inquisitive. In fact, questions that MIL’s ask have no right answer.

And the DIL knows it. Whatever answer she gives is already wrong. She’s being put on the spot, and it is not okay.

Over the years, I’ve spoken to many people – mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law – who have told me their experiences. Also, I have observed interactions between MIL’s and DIL’s, and I’ve compiled a list in my head. And now, I’ve put them down on paper – well on computer. Here they are for your mother-in-law-ly reading pleasure.

So – if any of the following questions happen to pop into your head, banish them from your mind. If that is not possible, then banish them from leaving your lips!

1. What are you cooking for dinner?

2. Why do you travel so much?

3. Why don’t you serve ____ for dinner because it’s healthy?

4. Why does (name of DIL’s toddler) still suck his thumb?

5. Why is  (name of DIL’s infant) cry all the time? Could it be colic?

6. How much weight did you gain in pregnancy? (Trust me – it HAS been asked).

7. Are you having any more children? (Yep – it’s been asked)

8. Do you like that gift that I gave you?

9. Can I buy you some new clothes? (implies you don’t like her taste).

10.  Did you ever read _____ parenting book?

11. Where are you going? (when they ask you to babysit).

12. Why do you never (or rarely) call?

13. Why do you never come visit?

14. Can I (we) come over in 5 minutes to visit?

15. Why do you raise your voice at your children?

16. Why are you punishing _____ (name of child)?

17. How come your family hasn’t helped you out?

18. Where did you get that outfit you are wearing?

19. How much do you earn at your job?

20. Why do you work when you have little children at home?

21. Why don’t you go out and get a job?

22. What are you planning for the dinner party you’re having?

23. Did you send out thank you cards yet for the wedding gifts?

24. How come you can’t be satisfied with less like we were back in the days?

25. Why did you give the child that name?

26. What school will you send your children to?

27. Why is_____ (name of child) so shy around me?

28. Why does _____ (name of child)  always have his nose in a book?

29. Why doesn’t _____ (name of child) get more fresh air?

30. Why don’t your kids play more sports?

31. Why don’t your kids read more books?

32. How come your kids aren’t athletic (or any other positive adjective)  like ____ (name of cousin)?

33. What in the world do you do all day?

34. How come your windows are so dirty?

35. What? You use paper dishes? Such a waste of money?

36. Why don’t the children wear those hand-me-downs that I gave you?

37. Why don’t you use that gorgeous china that I bought for you?

38. Where did you get that hideous couch?

39. How much did you pay for _____?
40. How much do you pay your cleaning lady?

41. Why isn’t ____ (name of toddler) toilet trained yet?

…..You get the idea!

Any questions YOU would like to add to this list? Please share them below!

What Kind of Mother-in-law Are You?

So – you’re looking back at your life and thinking about some past relationships with daughters, sons, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law….mothers-in-law, moms, dads….sisters….

If only I did it differently….I wish I know then what I knew now…I could kick myself over some of the things I said or did.

What was I thinking?

Stop. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over the past, and chances are it wasn’t that bad.

Read my Guest Post on today’s guest author section in MiddleSage website.

Still – learn for the future. Are you doing your best to be NICE? Yes – I know they say that “nice guys finish last…” but still – when it comes to in-law pays to take the high road.

Do you fit into any of the categories below?

a) You love your DIL’s and SIL’s  (that’s daughters-in-law and sons -in-law FYI), but you’re not so sure if you are mean or nice.

b) You just had a fight with your DIL or SIL and you are really angry at them. You’re convinced that they are wrong and you’re right.

c) You had a difficult experience with being bullied as a child, as a daughter-in-law, as an employee — and you’re worried that maybe you might repeat those abusive behaviors with your own children in -law.

d) People tell you that you have a mean-streak. Of course you don’t agree, but you just want to make sure.

e) None of the above- but you love to read good relationship advice.

There you have it – check out my Guest Post- the Seven Signs that You May Be a Bullying Mother-in-law

Styles of Giving

There has been some research out there about how people show their love. How Do You Show Love?

Some say “I love you” and others give presents.

Some show their affection through touch and hugging and others do so through listening carefully to what their loved ones are saying.

Some give food, others give presents. Some give time and others give money. Much has been written about this topic of love styles in relationships. People show love in various ways and the differences between people can cause friction.

According to conversations I have had others say that occasionally there is a block between the giver and the receiver, particularly when their styles of giving and receiving are different. Continue reading

Grab a Sale – “Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby!”

Just a short post to inform all my blog readers that in case you have not purchased my Grandmother book yet for that Grandmother, mother-in-law or friend in your life, here’s your chance to get it really really low-priced. This is a wonderful gift, I am told for Mother’s Day which is coming up soon.

Ready? On (link in the sidebar to the right) you can get  “Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby!” – The Joys and Oys of Being a Mother, Mother-in-law….or Grandmother  for about ELEVEN bucks (and change)! Yes, that’s correct. The book retails for 19.95 and recently has been reduced to eliminate the remaining books that have not sold yet. We have almost sold out the first printing, so here’s your opportunity.

Continue reading

On Bubby Births and More

This week my good friend’s daughter gave birth to twin girls! Double Mazel Tov! What a simcha! Also, my niece had a baby girl, and my other niece had a baby boy! Double mazel tov there too! Thank G-d for all these Mazel Tov’s.

Meanwhile, I am  kind of (read: very very) excited about a personal Mazel Tov! – the release of  my book that tells the story of my birth as a Bubby! Five years ago, a Bubby was born; I became a grandmother. Not the first and not the last, and certainly not the only Bubby who was excited to become one (although it sure seems like that, from the way I tend to talk about grandmother-hood!). Nevertheless, I am a Bubby who decided to write about my perceptions, insights and funny stories  vis-a-vis my married children,  grandchildren, and adult children. Those writings —-and more —- evolved into the book, Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby! – to be released on September 5, 2012, please G-d, in book stores.

And on September 11, the Bubby (that would be me) will be speaking at her good friend’s house at: 171 North Fuller Ave. in Los Angeles – from 7:30 to 9:30 pm. to promote her book, to sign books that people purchase beforehand from stores, and  bring with them, and to have some books on hand for those who want to buy over there (at a 15% discount while supplies last). Refreshments will be served. Please RSVP – by September 6,  if you plan to attend, at my grandmother/baby gear gemach website — at 

What could be interesting about being a Grandmother? Well, to answer that question, one would have had to read the Binah Magazine which chronicled my birth and growth as a grandmother over the past five years.  And now – Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby!   is a sequential collection of those stories in the order of how I experienced them, as well as many additional stories and topics that have never been published before.

I feel passionate about this topic, and look forward to meeting you all at the book signing, as we  share and explore the joys and oys of being a mother, mother-in-law and grandmother!

Mothers, mothers-in-law, grandmothers, daughters, daughters-in-law are all welcome!

Shabbat Shalom and Shana Tova!

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